Confronting My Lack of Control

I woke up this morning and spontaneously, I had this conversation with my boyfriend about another conversation I had with someone the previous night. Within that story I told him, it was brought to my attention that even in regular conversations that hold zero amount of tension or discomfort, I am subconsciously passive. My whole life, I have been a reserved and passive person. Recently though, I’ve decided to acknowledge areas of my personality and habits that I should change in order to improve more than ever as a human being.

Growing up, I was mentally and physically abused. I was raised in a narrow minded and controlling household with little to no flexibility. I am not going to dive into the depths of the details of my trauma but my point is that, I now understand my personality a bit more through thinking about what I had to experience as a child. I am afraid of and traumatized of control. So much, that I lack it. I don’t find comfort in telling people what to do, how to do things, or express what is acceptable to me or my feelings. I never had the freedom of having an “option” in important scenarios growing up so now I notice that I tend to speak so passively and indirectly in moments that I need to be assertive in, just to give the other person the freedom, comfort, and option that I never was able to grasp for myself. I tend to give in, to avoid speaking or arguing my point of view, just so that there would be no hassle of an uncomfortable confrontation. I tend to want to please people and prioritize what their wishes are before mine. It really is sad to realize how this translates to the way I value my self-worth due to my personal confidence being shattered before it even was able to develop into my adulthood. This lead me to indecisiveness, inaction, and therefore, incapable of taking control of my own life as it bleeds into many other aspects of my life.

“Can we please stop associating being a good person with how much you’re willing to suffer in silence for other people? You can be a kind person and still say, “No, I don’t have the time/energy to help you with that.” You can be a kind person and still say, “This makes me uncomfortable, please stop.” You can be a kind person and still say, “I disagree and here’s why.” You can be kind and still say, “I’m not okay with this.” Being kind is about treating people with kindness and respect, not about being the human equivalent of a doormat.”

-compassionatereminders

I know this is going to be a long journey of healing for me. I will be 27 this year and I guess it is better now than later that I begin this transformative process. I am so proud of myself though for being able to be open about this and slowly taking steps toward recovery and self-love. I used to think that dealing with things alone is what makes a person strong, but in reality that is so wrong and yet, time consuming because in order to get yourself out of something you’re dealing with, you need to be open and susceptible to different and new perspectives from the support of loved ones. Bottling everything up and suppressing it is just honestly avoidance and running away. I am done running away. I am turning back around and meeting myself in the mirror.

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