As I scrolled through the many notes I have in my phone today, I happened to come across this particular note that had me biting my lip in shame. It was one from June 2019 where I had brainstormed all of my wonderful ideas on what to blog about. I realized it is now July of 2020 and I barely dipped into the world of blogging. It’s this heavy, odd sensation that formed in my chest, yet one I was no stranger to. I’ve been this person over the years that seems to get a surge of inspirational ideas and bursts of creative energy and I end up starting a bunch of projects…that I sadly never finish or follow up on. I have a ton of painting ideas, song ideas, creative shoots and video ideas that just get stuck in limbo. I’m tired of it. I can never get over the feeling it gives me though, this nostalgia-like feeling of, “That was me when I was in a better inspired place.” I then start to let the guilt of giving up before I even tried hit me and most of the times, it runs me into what seems like the most pathetic depression to ever even experience. I go through this a lot.
I’ve been reading this book called “Personality isn’t Permanent” by Benjamin Hardy (you can get the book here through this link)Personality Isn’t Permanent: Break Free from Self-Limiting Beliefs and Rewrite Your Story
and I honestly have been learning so much from it and I’m only 2 chapters in but I am so, SO grateful. I think this has been one of the best things I’ve invested my time into consistently. I want to improve and become this version of myself I see in my mind. What I realized that I’m struggling with is what psychologists call “cognitive dissonance” where basically, it means to constantly experience internal conflict. I believe it stems from many things, but in my case, it is from lack of clarity. I haven’t established a clear and strong enough goal and that is why I’ve been unable to hit my target. “When the why is strong enough, you can get yourself through and do any how.” If there is not a deep enough “why” behind everything…if it doesn’t run deeper within the layers of truth…I won’t know how to commit to it properly. Commitment is something that is either black or white. There are no grey areas within commitment. Even if you say you’re 98% committed, that is not commitment because every single time whatever it is that you’re “committed” to, you now have a 2% risk of backing out because you haven’t made the full decision to be all in, therefore you mentally fatigue yourself each time and then your willpower is taxed. That is something that was pointed out in the articles I’m reading from Benjamin Hardy and although it seems pretty straight forward, I’m thankful for that point of view. I’m able to see what I need to fix within myself and I am striving to progress towards that.
So here I am, going for it (again). I am here to be engage in my personal work of expression and in time, may it come with new growth and perspective. I encourage everyone to also not give up on those dreams that you all may have, because at one point(s) in time, you truly believed in the capability of it. Gain the confidence back by taking action! I think one of the first steps is to take the time and patience to be with yourself and self-evaluate and be completely honest with yourself. I am coming out here to share my thoughts …vulnerable, yet strong…and barefaced.